Lord of the Road
by Shadow's Echo
Summary: What if the LOTR characters were here and now, travelling down the interstate? You'd stay off the road wouldn't you? Disclaimer: I don't own anything cept the plot...
1. Default Chapter

"Are we there yet?" Pippin asked again for the eighth time.  
  
"NO!" yelled Aragorn, who was driving. Yes, they are in the 21st century riding in a van across the U.S., where else would they be, silly?! As was previously stated, Aragorn was driving. Boromir sat next to him. It was his van, but he didn't like driving. And, of course, it was the cheapest van ever so it only had three doors instead of four, and it was a beautiful, gorgeous, extravagant.dark brown. Gimli sat in the second seat next to Bill the pony, and Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin fit in the back seat with just enough room for Legolas. Gandalf, on the other hand, didn't actually fit in the van, so they tied him to the top (he could've fit, but he just refused to take that darn hat off).  
  
Boromir had attached a fan to the front of the van for reasons unknown to the others. Legolas thought that he was trying to make the van into a plane or something of that nature. Nevertheless, he had done it and was singing a made up tune about it. It went something like this:  
  
There is a fan o the front of the van!  
Look at it go, look at it spin!  
I put the fan on the front of the van!  
(At about this time he would get distracted by something and.)  
Oh Look! A bird just flew by! Ohhhhhh!...  
  
Of course, this was incredibly annoying to the other passengers in the van. Especially since it had no meaning, no actual tune, and no point. Boromir, who was having the time of his life, was right in the middle of the 118th verse when.  
  
"SHUT UP!" Aragorn screamed, while pulling to the side of the road. He jumped up on his seat and pulled out his sword. "YOU MUST DIE!"  
  
"AHHHHH!" Boromir shouted in terror. "I'll stop! I'll stop! Don't threaten me again!"  
  
Aragorn, feeling he had conquered the world, resheathed his sword, sat back down, and pulled back onto the interstate. For a lack of noise Legolas started to sing "row, row, row your boat". After about 15 minutes of Legolas's agonizing singing Gimli turned around and growled at Legolas.  
  
"Shut up, elf boy, or your face gets it!" Gimli swung his axe and stopped it right before Legolas's face. Legolas, realizing how close his face had come to a certain scar, screams.  
  
"NOT MY CREAMY WHITE COMPLEXION! I won't sing it any more!"  
  
"Good." Gimli sits back down, but hears Legolas quietly singing:  
  
"Drive, drive, drive your car gently down the road. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Gimli is a toad."  
  
"AHHH!" Gimli yelled in anger, as he started to swing his axe. He stopped suddenly when he heard a tap on the hood of the van. Aragorn pulled up to a rest area and untied Gandalf. Gandalf got off the van and hopped towards the bathroom with his hands holding his crotch and his knees together like a child. He returned five minutes later looking quite relieved. They tied him back to the top of the van and were off. 


	2. Chapter 2

"You were supposed to turn right back there!" Gimli yelled angrily as Aragorn searched the horizon to get his bearings. He put his head to the ground to listen. He heard a slight rumbling. Then it started to get louder and louder.  
  
Aragorn jumped up and shouted, "THE BLACK RIDERS ARE COMING! GET IN THE VAN! " (as if a van would actually protect them from black riders) Everyone jumped back into the van and Aragorn pulled out his sword. Suddenly a huge 18-wheeler went by and the rumbling quieted and slowly stopped. Frodo appeared suddenly beside Aragorn, as he slipped off his ring.  
  
"Good going, genius. I thought I was going to finally die, and be rid of all of you, and all it was, was a stupid semi!" Frodo said. And then, spying Aragorn's drawn sword: "You don't even deserve that sword."  
  
Aragorn, hearing Frodo's mean comment, held his sword close. "No! Not my Baby! You take that back! My sword needs me! He loves me!" By now Aragorn was close to tears. Frodo rolled his little hobbity eyes. All this time on the road was driving Aragorn and his sword closer and closer together, and no one was really sure what to think of it. No man should be so close to an inanimate object. It's just not healthy.  
  
"It's okay Swordy. Don't listen to mean Frodo. Something just crawled up his butt and died, that's all. He didn't mean it." Aragorn said, cradling his "Swordy". He put his sword away and climbed back into the driver's seat. He started the van and pulled back onto the interstate.  
  
Merry and Pippin started playing a game that involved a pencil, a block of ice, and a bum that they had picked up somewhere along the line (they eventually named the bum Gollum, but that is irrelevant to the story (or is it?)). Gimli just sat there, farting every time they hit a bump (he had beans for lunch the previous day). Boromir, well, he was another story. He fell asleep and was drooling all over himself like a baby. It was pretty funny at first, but then it just got plain disgusting. To pass time Aragorn would swerve every now and then to make Boromir's head swing back and forth.  
  
Frodo was very angry at Sam because Sam had eaten all of Frodo's traveling snacks. And of course hobbits need to eat. They got so hungry, in fact, that they ended up slaughtering Bill the Pony and eating him. Now don't get them wrong, they loved Bill the Pony. But hobbitses is hobbitses, and hobbitses needs food. This, of course is how they had made room for Gollum, and it was part of the reason they picked him up (if they get hungry again, well, I guess they'll resort to Cannibalism?)  
  
Anyway, they drove uneventfully for several hours when suddenly Boromir woke up with a start.  
  
"Don't eat me!" He shouted. Then he looked around, realized he was in his brown van with the fan on the front, traveling down the interstate. He looked around at everyone and noticed Bill the Pony's absence. "W-w- where's Bill?" He asked.  
  
"We ate him," Merry answered. "He was rather delicious!"  
  
"WHAT!? You ate Bill the Pony!? But-I had a dream about him!"  
  
"Well he's gone now, silly!" Pippin said.  
  
"I had a dream that I was him and-I was being eaten by hobbits! Hey!"  
  
"I guess you can see into the past," Aragorn said rather sarcastically.\  
  
*Hmmmmmm.* thought Boromir *I CAN see into the past. I must be.A PSYCIC! YAY! I AM A PSYCIC! I AM A PSYCIC!* Boromir started dancing to the song in his mind. Everyone just regarded him as "touched" and let him be. They pressed yet onward.  
  
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THANX to all who replied! I'm glad people actually enjoyed my insane rambling! 


	3. Chapter 3

We see our beloved heroes in their van traveling down the interstate yet again. But, rather unexpectedly, we hear singing. Singing like the voices of . . . well not a thousand angels . . . more like a thousand nails scraping on a thousand chalkboards. This, my friends, is the beautiful singing of Aragorn. The others realized his incapability to drive so they made Boromir, much against his will, drive the butt ugly van. Of course, Aragorn, who only meant something when he was doing something, was quite angered by this. He had nothing to do. So, consequently, he was nothing. So he took up the rather difficult hobby of singing. Maybe singing isn't a difficult hobby, but singing well is. Of course, he didn't care.  
  
"Stacey's mom has got it goin' on! She's all I want and I've waited so long!. . ." Aragorn very quickly ran out of songs to sing and started to sing any song that came to his head.  
  
"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW A STACY!" Shouted Gimli.  
  
"Shows how much you know! You said Stacy and I said Stacey. We are, then, talking about two different Staceys because your Stacy is spelled different than my Stacey!" Aragorn said, matter-of-factly.  
  
"What are you smoking?!" Frodo asked, sarcastically.  
  
"Why? Do you want some?" Aragorn said rather truthfully.  
  
"Well, I wasn't expecting that," Frodo said. Gollum looked at Frodo, menacingly. Frodo knew Gollum's evil ways by now and slipped on the ring to spite him.  
  
"AWWWW! YOU WORTHLESS TURD! IT KEEPS DOING THAT, PRECIOUS!" Gollum yelled at the invisible Frodo.  
  
"Well yeah! You keep staring at him menacingly! What did you expect? Did you think he would just hand you the ring?" Legolas said.  
  
"Of course, Precious, why wouldn't it?"  
  
"Maybe because you're a ring-seeking, schizophrenic freak."  
  
"Oh. I never thought of that, Precious." Gollum said thoughtfully. Frodo took the ring off.  
  
"Yeah. You are acting like a freakish monster." Frodo said.  
  
"Well it is acting like a freakish monster racist." Gollum said.  
  
"AM NOT!"  
  
"ARE TOO, PRECIOUS!"  
  
Now, this argument went on for quite sometime. Until, in anger, Frodo tossed Gollum out the window.  
  
"Why'd you do that, Frodo? I told you last time, that if you did that again I would have to toss YOU out the window." Boromir said, taking on a fatherly tone.  
  
"I'm sorry, but he is just a pain anyway."  
  
"I agree. Let's not go back this time," Legolas said. They all nodded in agreement and decided not to go back for Gollum and his many other egos. So they didn't. Gollum was then lost among all the other crap on the side of the road, waiting to be picked up by some random hobo for recycling. And he was eventually. I think . . .  
  
"Turn up the radio!" Aragorn said as he started to sing again, and everyone settled back into the ignoring of Aragorn. And all was good until next chapter . . .  
  
Thanks for the reviews . . . I haven't written in forever and thought I would . . . but then I never got to it. So I thought I would again . . . and didn't get to, so I forgot again. . . until now . . . anyway.  
  
I don't own the song Stacey's Mom or any of these characters. So diddly do!  
  
~Shadow's Echo 


	4. Chapter 4

"I'm hungry, Mr. Frodo," Sam said, whining like usual.

"Well you ate most of Bill the Pony!" He was starting to get angry at Sam. So he slipped on the ring.

"What? You did it again! Whenever there is a problem you just slip on that accursed ring!" Sam accused while whining, because he is such a whiner weiner. "If you would just let someone else slip it on for a second you would see how annoying it is."

Frodo then reappeared, sitting on Boromir's lap. Boromir, though he could no longer see the road, thought nothing of it and stared ahead, like he had for the past 8 hours.

"No one shall touch my own, my precious!"

"See! You sound like that disagreeable Gollum fellow, that we eventually felt bad for and picked up again!" Sam accused. Gollum turned to face Frodo.

"He's right, you know, Precious. You do sound pretty stupid," Gollum said. Frodo suddenly grew angry and threw Gollum out the window again.

"Why did we go back and get him! He's annoying and we all voted! It was unanimous for Aragorn's sake! NO ONE LIKES HIM!" Frodo yelled.

Aragorn looked back. "Yeah, why did we go back? No, really. Why did we go back? That was stupid. It makes it sound like the author just wanted him in the story for five seconds so he could say something totally useless. He is the worst character ever." Everyone nodded in agreement. Frodo returned to his spot, rather unwillingly. He realized that it was for the better though, for they were driving in the ditch. It's not good to distract Boromir. Not good at all.

"You know, you are pretty annoying too, Mr. Frodo. Perhaps I should throw you out the window," Sam said.

"No, no. Then the story wouldn't work. I'm the main character. If you get rid of me, well, you end the story," Frodo said.

"Wait, I thought I was the main character," Aragorn, always having to be the center of attentions, said, his lip quivering.

"No. You are just there. No one really likes you either," Gimli said. Aragorn started to cry. Not one of those normal cries. Oh, no. He is beyond that. One of those ear-piercing, ground-splitting cries. Like a girl. A stupid fat blonde girl at rehab. Frodo throws him out the window.

"Why do you keep doing that? Now we have to go back for him!" Legolas said, shaking a sleeping hobbit off of his arm.

"Well, he has the memory of a goldfish. Perhaps he will forget what he is crying about and by the time we get back to him he'll have stopped," Frodo said, using that classic idiot logic. Everyone knows that Aragorn has the memory or a bumble bee. Not a goldfish. If Frodo had only waited a couple seconds, then he wouldn't have had to throw him out the window. When they found him Aragorn back, he was cradling his sword and giving it butterfly kisses. This disgusted them. Gimli even puked in his mouth a little, then swallowed it. Yes, they definitely voted the sword out of the van.

Well, thanx for reviewing. I haven't written in decades almost! I'll come up with more if it so suits me. Reviews always help!

Shadow's Echo


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